Watch the Doughnut, Not the Hole.
—Katherine Morrell
I know my mom was not the first person to say that, but she will always be the voice I remember trying to get me to focus on what was in front of my face, instead of on what my kid sister was doing. I don’t know why, but at that time I felt that there was something better, more fun, something that would please me more elsewhere. The answer could always be found with my kid sister and whatever she was doing. My satisfaction was sure to be found if I were just allowed to play with her toy. But no, I had to focus on the doughnut.
I hear my mother’s voice, and have even been know to laughingly quote her when I am faced with a client that I have come to term “A Hole Watcher”®. A Hole Watcher® is someone that is constantly focusing on what is missing. They focus on how their partner is failing to meet their needs, falling short of their expectation, or not living up to the fantasy of what a relationship should be. Hole Watchers® often spend the majority of their time focusing on what they don’t have, instead of all the wonderful things they do have. They do not pay as much attention to what the relationship and partner do bring to their lives. They are often unaware of what needs they are getting met, and how their partner does meet and frequently exceeds their expectations. Instead of paying attention to what makes the doughnut so good—the cake (mmm, good!)—they are watching the hole.
We often blame our partners for our own feelings of discontent. We look to them to be the answer to everything we are looking for, and if not everything then most things. If we are unhappy, angry, or frustrated, they must have something to do with it. Most of the time they have very little, if nothing, to do with it. We believe that a relationship and being in Love with someone means that we should be living the romantic fairy tale, the fantasy of our dreams, the happily ever after. What we fail to understand is that the relationship is the doughnut. We make it the hole. There are no perfect relationships, and there are no perfect doughnuts. There are no perfect partners except in our dreams. We often fail to remember, or maybe we were never taught, that the person we are with at this very moment is the “right” person. They are meant to be in our lives at this moment for many reasons, the main one being that they are a reflection of who we are inside. They are here to teach us what we need to learn. We are meant to embrace, enjoy, and focus on all the beauty this person brings to our lives.
H.O.L.E. is my acronym for our Hallucination Others Love Erroneously. There is no such thing as erroneous love. If we are loved, that love is perfect. Our partner at this time gives us the best they can. They love us in the most perfect way that they are capable of at this time. Most partners are very invested in the other’s happiness. Most partners try their best to provide what the other partner desires. Are we enjoying the doughnut or watching the hole?
Have you ever really looked at a doughnut hole? It grows. The longer you look at it, the bigger it becomes. The same is true if you are focusing on what you perceive as missing in your partner. Dr. Wayne Dyer put it best: “…problems in a relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person.” The bigger the hole, the more discontented you will feel. The more disharmonies will exist in the relationship.
How to get yourself out of the H.O.L.E.:
• Make an appreciation list. List as many things as you can that you appreciate about your partner, how many beautiful things they bring to your life, reasons why you love them. Do this for as many consecutive days as you can until you live in the perfection of the relationship.
• Write your partner a thank-you card, thanking them for all they bring you.
• Pay attention. Allow yourself to see the gifts your partner brings to your life, even if you “would do it differently.”
• Realize that what we perceive as missing in our partner is more often then not what we are missing in ourselves. If we can understand that we perceived this in our partner first to call it to our own attention, we can change it in our own life. It will no longer be missing and we will start to be able to experience our relationship more clearly and with much more Love.
• As you take these steps allow yourself to become conscious of the joy and Love growing in your relationship.
• Whenever you find yourself concentrating on what is missing in your partner or relationship, remember to Watch the Doughnut, Not the Hole!
We must understand that the doughnut is what really exists in our partner, and that the hole, what we perceive is missing in our partner and our relationship, is really just a projection of what we are suppose to heal in ourselves. We can stop being so critical of our partner and start being a little more compassionate with ourselves and looking for ways to make ourselves more harmonious with our own lives. If we are willing to take more responsibility for our own happiness, and stop blaming our partner, then we allow the relationship to be exactly what it was meant to be. The icing on the cake, or doughnut, if you will.
When we develop the skill to fully appreciate what we have, right now, in this moment of our lives we allow ourselves to be free. We also allow ourselves to be happy. Life is too short to not enjoy the doughnut!
©2007 Erika Morrell
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!