Love is keeping your room clean.
—Mr. Fred Rogers
I mentioned to my client, Stacy, that I intended to use a quote from Mr. Rogers to open my article this month. She enquired, “Which quote could you possibly use that would have anything to do with adult Love?” “Love is keeping your room clean,” I responded. She broke out laughing. “God, is that the truth!” Stacy would know. She had never been able to have a successful long-term relationship with a man, or any real relationship to speak of. She had been abandoned, lied to, and hurt repeatedly by the men in her life, and it felt to her as if that was all she would ever experience.
Stacy’s room was dirty. Her heart was cluttered with all the stories, pain, hurt, and disappointment that she had experienced in her life. All the memories that had been created, all the wrong choices she had made, and all the times that she should have seen the signs were scattered all over the floor. She was unable to find the gifts that had been given to her in recent years. The kind men, with integrity, honor, and genuine feeling for her got lost in the mess. They were hard for her to find, once they had entered her room, her heart, they became part of the mess, never to be seen again. It is hard to find anything in a dirty room.
Most of us know how to keep house, very few of us know how to Keep Heart®. We carry around our history and pain, most of the time unaware of how much it actually affects us. Every part of our existence—our thoughts, feelings toward people, decisions we make, who we are attracted to, how we hear things, and how we react to the situations in our lives, especially with our partners or potential partners—are all greatly affected by how dirty our room is. Everything we see is filtered through the dirt. For example, if Cindy lied to me, used me, betrayed me, and ultimately broke my heart, and she had once told me that Al Green was her favorite singer, when I meet Jill, whose favorite singer happens to be Al Green, I will assume that I know who she is and how I will be treated by her. The truth is that I have no idea who Jill is, how I will feel about her, or how she will treat me. I am looking at her from across my dirty room. Even if I chose to spend time with her, I would be looking for proof that she was like Cindy. I will never really be able to truly let her in, to truly see her. It is hard to see clearly in a messy room.
Probably one of the most challenging parts of having to clean your room is that it’s hard to let anyone in. We are humiliated that it is a mess. We are afraid of being judged on its condition. How will I be perceived? What will this room say about me? Can I be Loved if my room is a mess? There is no room in here—where would we sit? It is hard when we have not had the opportunity to become fully conscious of how wounded we are, to heal our wounds, or to become close to anyone. Most of us have the expectation that we are going to be hurt again just like before. We prepare for that inevitability by protecting ourselves one way or another. Our room is covered with all the things that keep our painful memories alive. We have not yet thrown out the trash.
Our room is so crowded that there is nowhere to put the new gifts, the new experiences, the new Love. It all has to be placed in the same room. The heart, surrounded by all the mess, these shiny new gifts, the special people, the beautiful Love, somehow loses some of the shine. We do not have the chance to experience all the Love that is a part of our life now in an accurate way.
How to Keep Heart®:
• Love yourself enough to clean your room.
• Start by remembering that your past is your past; it does not dictate your future. You can allow yourself to make different choices. You can allow yourself to be Loved.
• Make a list of all the beautiful, Loving things about you. Please don’t hold back. I have always found it interesting how hard it is for people to say kind words about themselves. I am giving permission for you to go to town. Brag away. You are one of a kind. Special. I want to hear it all; I want you to hear it all. List every last beautiful word about you!
• Make a list of all the people who have hurt you that you feel are significant or that come to mind.
• Make a chart. First write the person’s name. What age you were. Then the story of what happened in as much detail as possible. Then how it made you feel. Next, think and write down the belief about yourself and life that developed out of that experience. Look at how those beliefs play out in your life now. Ask yourself what is real. Then write out how you will move through the world with your new realization.
Example:
Name: John Scott
Age this happened: 15
Story: He was my first Love. Fed me everything I wanted to hear—they were all lies. He broke up with me after I would not sleep with him. After the breakup, he started to pursue my younger sister.
How it made me feel: Heartbroken, ugly, unlovable, unwanted, rejected, and stupid.
Beliefs: I am not Lovable. My sister is more desirable then I am. I will never have what I want. Love equals hurt and betrayal. It is all a lie.
How they play out: I do not trust Love. I am preparing to be hurt. I can not truly be intimate. I do not believe I am as beautiful as I need to be. I am just being used.
What is real: I am lovable, beautiful, and I now have what I want. Love is a beautiful adventure that I am blessed and thankful to be a part of. Everything that I still desire is on its way to me now.
How I now move through the world: With Love in my heart. I am confident in all that makes me beautiful. I see all the Love that surrounds me, and keep my heart open. I have trust and faith that all I desire is on its way now.
• Allow yourself to forgive and let go of the past. Move into the truth about the special, glorious person you are. Have faith that Love surrounds you and that that person is out there looking for you.
I am happy to announce that Stacy has just become engaged! She credits Heart Keeping® for finally being able to see Love clearly, and allowing her Soul Mate to see her. So I dedicate this to Stacy.
Remember, when you clean house it becomes a beautiful day in the neighborhood every day!
© 2007 Erika Morrell